maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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