I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
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She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
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I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
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