The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
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What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
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That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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