how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
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We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
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You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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