I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
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My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
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I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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