youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
