I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
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Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
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I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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