It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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