cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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