He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize