Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you traded sex for a burrito?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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