fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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