Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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