i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
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I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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