Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
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I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
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Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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