Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
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I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
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I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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