she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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