Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
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No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
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He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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