she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
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Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
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I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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