You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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