defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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