I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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