proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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