Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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