and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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