Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
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He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
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That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I deserve this hangover.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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