He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
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Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
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Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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