I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
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could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
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I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Enjoy the penises
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
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