No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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