I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I won't apologize to a one balled man
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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