I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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