I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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