you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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