you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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