im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
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I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
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fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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