When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
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We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
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Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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