she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize