Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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