so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
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Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
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Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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