Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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