get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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