a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
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So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
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I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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