I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
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The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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