what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
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someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
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you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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