I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
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I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
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Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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