you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
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in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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