3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
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There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
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I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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