Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
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I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
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He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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