last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
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before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
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No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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