cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
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We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
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You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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